Thoughts on 2011

It is the end of the year and the quiet time spent reflecting. There will probably be a billion words written about 2011, so why not add a few more. This year saw some amazing beginnings for me, and endings too. It isn't sad as much as it always is so melancholy. I wonder to myself if this is the result of my Midwestern upbringing? The chilling cold of winter has lead modern society to calling this melancholy a seasonal effective disorder. We try and rationalize that this must be a sickness of some kind. Maybe being human requires it as a natural part of the condition. That we all need the quiet, a bit of Auld Lang Syne, and a bottom to make the tops even sweeter. This year has been one of both bottoms and tops for me, with joyous defeats and bittersweet victories. Above all I am a lucky man, and I am made of Winn.

My relationship ended. That sucked. The entire affair was doomed from the start, and what's worse is that I knew it. Let's just say that I thought it might have ended better. That I blame myself much more than her is the kindest way I can characterize my feelings. 

Being in love with someone's potential, no matter how wonderful that potential may be, is the basis for every abusive relationship anyone will ever hear or see in your life. I was emotionally self-abusive; she was emotionally abusive to me as well. I can rationalize and say it was from lack of experience but that doesn't change the reality of it. It sucked so bad that the idea of continuing the struggle was just as painful as the idea of ending it. Almost a literal translation of the devil you know versus the devil you don't.

Along the way I had three other lovers this year. One relationship is amazing, if geographically and physically impossible. I am scared that this is just infatuation and she will tire of me soon. The emotional high is like I imagine heroin. When we interact it is magical. What is it with me and impossible love affairs anyway?

The second lover was incredible and not just in a physically beautiful sense. She also opened up some emotional parts of me that I thought had atrophied or rotted away. She found them, and I am infinitely happy she did, but I was sad when she left my life in such bad form. We both knew she was going. Hell, I was surprised that she stopped by on her way. When she left she showed me such a careless and massive amount of disrespect that I had to cut her out of my life completely. This is something that I don't like to do. I am friends with many of my ex-lovers after all, just not so many of my ex-wives.

I miss her, but part of ending my primary relationship and growing as a person was exercising my personal demons of codependence and self loathing. I did not deserve how she treated me, and I will no longer allow that from anyone. Never mind that she showed me how to fix other parts of myself. Never mind that she was, possibly without equal, the most beautiful physical specimen of a woman I have ever been with. Never mind even that she showed me that my relationship with Carol was doomed.

The third lover was sweet like candy and really wanted much more than I was prepared to give. I don't even know that she wanted it from me exactly, but she will need to experience it before she can realize that she has value. I feel bad that her life is on hold, and that she'll spend a few years locked up, but I didn't make her mistakes and I did try to help her. 

On other fronts I had an amazing year with my son. He has become much more a young man this year, and he is experiencing the world in a much more intellectual way. We have had some amazing discussions and we have some great days together. I can't wait to share more as he grows up. I keep wondering how I helped raise such a thoughtful child. In that he is very different from me, his mother, and his sister.

My relationship with my daughter was rocky as always. I am so proud of her. She is such a strong, powerful, and beautiful woman. She is also such a great parent. Even though we disagree on many things and speak only infrequently I love her dearly, and I want the world to know how much faith I have in her. As an aside my grandson is cute and smart. It is so obvious that he is loved and well cared for.

My father is still the strongest man I have ever known. He has such quiet strength. As my mother's condition worsens visibly he has this seemingly ever flowing wellspring of love and strength for her and everyone else in the family. I have no idea how he does it. Still, they are together in their 49th year of marriage. That in itself is almost as inconceivable as the idea of them ever being apart.

I haven't ever said this aloud before except in strictest confidence, but I think it is likely that her Dementia and Alzheimer's will force my mother to be placed in a facility. Probably within the next eighteen months. That is awful in ways I lack the words to express, but I fear for her and for my father if she isn't placed at some point. 

My brother got a huge promotion with a different and challenging job and a nice raise. His sons are strong and happy. He and his wife are married almost 19 years now. Time flies. I was so happy that his family could join the rest of us for Thanksgiving this year. We were a motley crew, but love conquers all. With my mom getting worse I always wonder if this event or that one will be the last. I am hopeful we will have a few more.

My sister is still the best person I know. She's stronger, smarter, and more successful than many men who think they know what those words mean. She seems to have reached every goal she's ever set for herself and she's so humble she doesn't even admit it.

As for me I have accomplished one of the most significant goals of my life overall. I finished the draft of my first novel in November. I think that the book is going to be called "Never Quit". I have an editor and Shannon and I are working on it now. I hope to publish in the next few months, maybe by spring.

It isn't a light read. It is dark, ugly, and funny in different parts, sometimes even all together. It is written in extemporaneous voice. One of my friend said it reads like a modern beat novel. He actually used a specific writer's name. I wouldn't dare to make that comparison. I won't dare to even share it with you here. In my wildest dreams I wouldn't dare.

So far none of the readers I sent it to have hated it. Though it seems I still have a wicked and disturbing fascination with comma splices, semi-colons, and em-dashes. 

I also got laid off and am currently unemployed. The economy is complete and utterly awful. Things look pretty bleak for me professionally, so a big win on the lottery would be awesome, thanks.

Did I mention I love my roommate? Emily is everything I have wanted in a roomie but was never lucky enough to get before. She loves me and cares for me. She also knows I feel the same way about her. She doesn't mind the women in my life, and for the most part I don't mind the men in hers. John loves her too. She's an awesome person and probably my best friend in the world right now.

In a year that saw me both betrayed and abandoned by some of my dearest friends, and one of my oldest friends, Emily is one of the brightest stars in my sky. Every time I think of the ugly truth of misanthropy I have her to teach me, guide me, and humble me into grateful acquiescence. Well, at least I don't scream at stupid people in the street as much.

I love you all and thank you for your continued support, love, friendship, and wisdom. I am a fortunate man and I know it.

Who is he?

Hello there, my name is Ross Winn, and if you are reading this I might know you. If I bore you, anger you, or frighten you please feel free to ignore or block me. Just don't ask me to change.

I am a 45 year-old unemployed guy. I have three ex-wives, two children, and one grandson. I've done a lot of different jobs in several industries. Basically they all boil down to two things. I am a can-do person with a customer-centered attitude. There are many opportunities and I need to find a new one.

I am proud to say that this year I have written a first novel. I think it will be called 'Never Quit', but I am still working on it. The first draft is done, I have an editor, and the process is ongoing. I hope to shop the book for publication this spring. With any luck by June.

I am a techno-fetishist and love gadgets that do things well. I have been an Apple purist for decades, but am currently enjoying an extended tryst with Android devices. Most especially my Sprint EVO 4G. I consider myself a digital and connected individual, but I still love Sharpie(tm) markers and index cards.

I am politically progressive, LGBT-friendly, and kink-aware. I also do not believe in hiding on the internet. If you do a Google search for my name you will see what I mean. 

I am a misanthrope but I do not tolerate hate speach. Not even against stupid people.

I played, wrote, and developed RPGs since my eleventh birthday. I have been unable to participate in any in years. I believe the hobby that defined much of my life is dying and it saddens me.

I was a concerned and committed Christian for most of my life and a member of the Episcopal Church. I have explored Judaism, Atheism, Agnosticism, and other belief systems. However the one that most defines me currently is Buddhism. I am no better a Buddhist than I was a Christian. I still drink, I eat meat, and I engage is socially dangerous behavior.

Some people love me, and some despise me, and I can live with both. I hope you stay a while. I hope you engage in a conversation. I hope that you understand that we are friends because our lives are different, not because our lives are the same.

Peace to you in your journey,

Ross Winn