I'm really not sure about anything anymore. One of the most confusing things in the world is dating. Frankly, it seems like as men and women we just can't do anything right. I hear women complain all the time that some man isn't decisive enough and the next day I read about some other man being accused of sexual misconduct. Men don't know what they want, and neither do women. It seems like we have reached an impasse as men but I think I have a solution. Well okay, I have a solution that works for me and you can decide if it works for you too.
Sometimes the strangest thing in your past come back to be useful. There was a time after my second divorce that I was single and trying to date. Truthfully, I was horrible at it. I've always mingled with lots of non-traditional people. Goths, gays, nerds, and intellectuals were just some of the flavors that were regularly in my retinue. They were far from the only kinds of people but I think this may have made me aware of the challenges men now face early.
My daughter noticed this almost immediately, even before I did, and made fun of me all the time. You see I was misreading so many signals, and it turned out that every woman I made a pass at, for nearly six months, was a lesbian. There was a lot of laughter and much learned understanding when I realized what was going on. I met some fantastic women and some remained friends for a long time, and I learned, the hard way, not to assume. Maybe even more importantly I learned not to take the answers I received personally. Maybe it was easy for me because I've never been everyone's cup of tea. It's an important point that we'll come back to later.
As the LGBT community became more mainstream there is even more chance that all of us, men and women, will encounter people whose sexual and gender identity isn't compatible with our desires and we need to have respect for that and them.
Lately I go to NA meetings on a regular basis and I've found that their insistence on hugging everyone really sets my teeth on edge. I don't mind hugging people I know and I have friendships with lots of people, no matter their orientation. However, the immediate insistence that we hug total strangers, who don't even know my name, is off putting in the extreme. I think it is especially disturbing when it is men and women. Really, who are they to insist that I hug them when they don't know me? And how presumptuous is it of me, or any man, to try and hug a woman I don't know, regardless of her orientation or identity?
What I guess I'm trying to say is that in 2018, I need to see some pretty clear body language, and preferably some actual spoken language before I initiate any physical intimacy with anyone I've recently met. No, it isn't always necessary they say “please kiss me” but in this day and age, it certainly helps. I know it isn't what we're taught to expect in the movies. As a result, all of the expectations set by the media are horribly and completely inappropriate. This means that women need to be aware of this too. I've heard many women frustrated because there's no magic and no romance. I think that what many are looking for is a psychic connection that they see in the movies and television, and is a complete fiction. As men in this post-#metoo society are painfully aware the line is very easy to cross. What was considered by many to be acceptable twenty years ago isn't okay today.
As men, I think we need to be aware of some important ideas. Nobody owes us thanks for our sexual attraction. As a matter of fact, the very idea that a woman should be flattered that we notice them is ugly and misogynistic. I'm reminded of an old picture on the web of a woman walking in the street and scrawled across her midriff is the statement “still not asking for it”. The fact that we find a woman attractive, whether she's in a housedress or a bandeau really has nothing to do with her and everything to do with us. We need to find ways to meaningfully communicate our attraction and accept polite rejection.
This is the hardest thing in my opinion for many men to process, especially men who are self-involved like me. We have a tendency to assume that all women we see are available, uncoupled, interested, and aware. Not only is this not the case, it is exactly these things that make women feel so threatened and uncomfortable. Instead, I had believed that it is best to assume that any woman who I meet isn't just not interested in me, but not interested in men at all. Approaching women as simply people seems to go a long way towards making them feel positive, unthreatened, and paradoxically more open to social contact. Not that I'm suggesting that you do this in some insane quid pro quo. On the contrary, what I'm saying is that as the current generation of young women mature using previous paradigms of communication will result in less and less success. This, in turn, will breed more contempt and less success thus creating a vicious cycle. This is in direct opposition to our need to be seen as attractive and desirable to others, be they male, female, other, straight, gay, whatever.
So, my suggestion is to treat each woman who you meet as a person. Assume she's a lesbian and that she doesn't like you. Speak to them as an equal and a person. Don't assume that their gender defines them or their desires. Ask them if they might want to be pursued, and if they say no don't ever insult them for being of a different opinion. Just thank them for their honesty and walk away.
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