Friends

I was at my going away party last night, and I was talking to an old friend. They aren't the kind of person I see every week, or even every year, but we've been friends for decades. We can pick up a conversation a year later and know where we left off. He is one of my favorite people in the world.

See I get it. There are real obstacles to being friends as adults. Careers, wives, girlfriends, kids, blah, blah, blah. I get it. If I called him and threw up the bat signal, he'd be there with no reservations.

He had noticed that the ranks of my friends were just as diverse, but that several of my so-called friends were absent. I explained that in the last year I had fired over a dozen, some of them old friends, because they weren't friends at all.

People who would promise to be there for something important, like your going away party, then come up with some bullshit excuse. People who never call, and send you to voicemail on the first ring more than they answer. People who say disparaging things behind your back so they can “keep it real”.

How is this for real: You can hang alone. I don't need people like you.

I was the one who listened to you talk about your ex-girlfriend for months. You were the one who couldn't be bothered when I got divorced. I was the one who got out of bed and came to get your drunk ass, so you wouldn't kill anyone especially yourself. You see my call and you let them ring. I was the guy who put his ass and his reputation on the line to get you a job. You are the one who tried to cut me out of my own business.

I don't have time for you, I do not want you in my life. You are a shitty person and not a friend anyone wants. So if you stop seeing my updates and if you stop getting my calls that's because I am tired of you and I am tired of your bullshit.

I have friends, and I don't need you.