Navel Gazing

So the title of this is "Navel Gazing" and I understand if that's not your cup of coffee. Actually after the time I spent in jail I understand a lot about coffee. The only coffee they have in jail is freeze-dried. The water is never warm and so the coffee is never hot. I've even seen a grown man snort a line of freeze-dried coffee off his bunk. That was freakish, of course this was the same idiot that used to drink cups full of soap. I'm sure his colon was extremely clean, but that's disturbing enough as it is. There were a lot of things about jail that were really weird. However it's hard to talk about jail and not talk about why I was there.

I'm not going to sugar-coat anything and I'm not going to hold back, so if you don't want to read this that's okay. I'm not scared of the truth anymore and that's pretty cool because I was scared of everything and a big fan of secrets for a long time. I hated myself for a long time. Not because of my family or any other outside influences. I just hated myself because I wasn't capable of thinking and doing right. There are reasons, people and other triggers that I could point to and try to blame but that's not helping anyone. So the simplest explanation is this: I couldn't process my pain and grief like most other people do. So in order to numb myself I was drinking, getting loaded, and harming myself for several years.

I decided to stop. You know that sentence is deceptively short. Like it was easy. That sentence took me ten days to say out loud. That was after seven days in suicide watch and 14 days in a psychiatric cell. I decided to stop. I decided that I didn't want to harm myself anymore. I decided that I wanted to live. I decided that I had let drugs destroy my life. Nobody else decided this but me. All those crimes they accused me of, yeah I committed them all. Every single one. I know better, and I knew better the whole time. Still I decided consciously not to give a fuck for a long time. When I got sober I realized that I had made mistakes. I also realized that I needed to change for myself and I decided on recovery.

Why I'm guilty is a big question I get a lot. I'm guilty because I was a drug dealer. I'm guilty because I knew it was illegal. I am guilty because I didn't care who I hurt or who I sold to. although I did lie to myself and say “hey at least I didn't sell to any kids”. It doesn't matter I made bad decisions and that made me a bad person but I also decided to change. I will not be defined by those mistakes any more than I will be defined by other mistakes that I have made in my past. Instead I'm going to find myself by the choices I make in the future.

My story isn't unique. Actually everything I did reads like a bad story in a bad movie about a bad guy. I am not unique nor am I special, I am just taking ownership for my damage. Feeling like a fraud isn't unique either. I was convinced that for my first week of NA meetings that the “NA Police” were going to come through me out because I was a fraud. Then someone else brought that up in a meeting and everyone laughed. That was when I realized that I wasn't different, or unique, even in feeling like that. It might sound silly to you but this was a profound discovery for me.

In case you were wondering about why I was writing about the weirdos in jail at the beginning of this here it comes. There are a lot of crazy people in jail. People so damaged by the system and so institutionalized by their constant incarceration that they are incapable of helping themselves. Many of those employees to help them within the system are themselves so institutionalized that they are incapable of helping as well. I was appalled watching this. It was only because there were some good people who wanted to help me inside and a few of my friends and family willing to help outside that I wasn't lost in the system.

Let me make this clear as well. I made the mistakes that put me there. I'm also making the positive choices to get better. I'm more whole today than I have been in years. So if you want to put me down, joke about me having sex in jail, talk down to me, or anything else just keep on walking because I don't have time for you. I've got work to do and I'm not going to carry your negativity with me.