Ross Winn Writes
notes from above ground...
18 November 2018
Evernote
15 October 2018
Triggered
Much has been written about just how good this movie is and I have to agree. There are few films I’ve ever seen in my life that are as complete as this movie is. I can say that now, after spending the night emotionally unpacking this last night and then finally getting some sleep. This film is brilliant, but I probably shouldn’t have seen it. I’ll explain why here.
Lady Gaga is a wonderful and versatile singer and it shows well throughout the film. This would be a massive failure with the wrong actress, and was a success because of her honesty, her vulnerability, and her incredible range. It could be said that she’s just playing to type, but there’s a lot more there than just a singer playing a singer. She’s representing some of the struggles in her own life, and all that she’s embracing really pays off. Both herself and the parts that are not her and she’s fearless when she does it.
Bradley Cooper was shocking as Jackson Main. The way he spoke, walked, sang, and talked just smelled like suicidal addiction and self destruction. Bradley Cooper was why I shouldn’t have seen A Star Is Born. I know what self-loathing and self-destruction look like because I did it for 5 years and this is an absolutely ugly terrifyingly honest representation. Lying, lashing out at the people you love, self harm, all of it. If I hadn’t been with two of the women I trust and care for, I know that I would have walked directly into a bar, ordered whiskey, bought a pack of cigarettes, and bought a bag.
The portrayal of all of these things were so honest in the film. This made it hard for me not to be there in my own head. Well, to be honest, I was there in my own head and thankfully I was not by myself. If I were giving them away today Bradley Cooper would have an Oscar for best actor, and probably best director too. That this film is his debut behind the camera was maybe even more surprising than his performance. One can only hope that his sophomore effort is as good.
Such a real picture of addiction is a difficult thing to pull off. You can’t romanticize the drug use. You can’t make it pretty or appealing. If you’re able to make it just a little ugly and hide it from the audience that’s even better. The film does that in little tiny ways that might not be obvious to you if you’ve never had a problem. It was like snorting pain for me and I had to hate the performance for what it did to me, but I love it for the brutal honesty it brings. It upset Kelly because “you don’t get to leave”. I understand that now, but man it was super hard to watch.
The supporting cast has to be mentioned, because this is kind of a film review. Andrew Dice Clay is wonderful as the dad. Dave Chappell shows up at the prefect time. Anthony Ramos is a great best friend. Rafi Gavron is a great foil, and Sam Elliott hits one out of the park as Jack’s older brother and father figure. The film really feels like an ensemble piece because the actors are so good, even if they only have a few lines or scenes. Still, we go back to the lead performances, and it’s all but impossible for me to say that one is better than the other. I was a fan of Bradley Cooper despite his amazing talent. After all, you have to hate someone who is that smart, that talented, and that good looking. I thought that after the Hangover he was just going to be one of those unlikeable bro actors. Then I saw Limitless and he sort of threw me for a loop. Once I saw Silver Linings Playbook, I was floored. I mean the guy stood toe-to-toe with Robert De Niro for an entire movie and didn’t die. So, after that and his other films since I’ve become a fan.
Stefani Germanotta gave a fearless and riveting performance as Ally. I say that because it wasn’t Lady Gaga on screen. This was a girl from around the way, that I felt like I knew. She was pretty, but not classically beautiful. She wasn’t terribly put together. She just appeared raw and honest. If that was just a part of her performance, I have more respect and not less, because that kind of authenticity is hard to portray. Thousands of words have been written about her, so I’ll just say this: If you don’t like Lady Gaga then you owe it to yourself to see this movie. I think you’re going to understand her talent, even if you don’t like it.
If you’re a drunk, bipolar, and have a drug problem like I do this movie is going to be very hard to watch. I actually had to look away from the screen several times. I sat at the end of the film and really couldn’t find any words to express my thoughts and feelings about the movie. I want to thank Andrew, Kyra, and Kelly for being a great support team for me. Recovery is a process and not an event. The funniest things can set you back and trigger you. I’ve had a love affair with film for most of my adult life, so I went without even thinking about it, but there it is.
Go see A Star is Born, but just don’t go see it alone.
06 October 2018
Understanding
28 September 2018
Trying Progress
25 September 2018
Navel Gazing
I'm not going to sugar-coat anything and I'm not going to hold back, so if you don't want to read this that's okay. I'm not scared of the truth anymore and that's pretty cool because I was scared of everything and a big fan of secrets for a long time. I hated myself for a long time. Not because of my family or any other outside influences. I just hated myself because I wasn't capable of thinking and doing right. There are reasons, people and other triggers that I could point to and try to blame but that's not helping anyone. So the simplest explanation is this: I couldn't process my pain and grief like most other people do. So in order to numb myself I was drinking, getting loaded, and harming myself for several years.
15 September 2018
Rejection
So, in the last column, we talked about dating in the era of #metoo, and so basically about personal choice and responsibility as a man towards women. Now I think we need to talk about rejection because nobody likes it.
First, some people have asked, where have I been? Honestly I've been in jail. I was arrested in October of last year and have spent most of the last eleven months in a “correctional setting” both in the county jail and in residential drug treatment. It has been a long and painful process. There were a few bumps along the way but somehow I got out of this without dying and without spending the rest of my life in prison.
The reason I'm writing these things down is because when I was in jail I realized that I was a mess in a few different ways. One of those ways was that I wasn't treating the women in my life well. I was a fairly toxic man in a fairly toxic patriarchy. One of the major goals in my treatment is to rebuild my moral compass. One of to the best ways to do this is to improve the way I treat women. There's a lot of detail missing from these sentences because I think that might be tedious and banal for the reader. If you want to hear more about me and my recovery plan, please send me an email to ross.winn@gmail.com. If I get enough responses, I'll write more about my recovery and how it has worked for me.
So hey, back to the point of this. You may have managed to approach a woman in a respectful and polite manner. She laughed at your jokes, you laughed at hers, and you thought you might have made a connection. You ask for her number and she says no. She's not overtly rude about it. She might even tell you she's flattered but she's not interested. So what do you do now?
Well I'd thank her for her time and walk away smiling. However many people aren't as enlightened. Here's what you shouldn't do. You definitely should not try to play the sympathy card. You shouldn't try to guilt her into going out with you. Don't talk disparagingly about that person or their choices in life. Most especially, don't get angry or violent. Yes, I know this seems to go without saying, but there are many extremely insecure men who are so self centered that they feel every rejection is completely about them. Some of these unfortunates can't conceive that this rejection doesn't even take them or their feelings into consideration.
As hard as it is for some men, and many women, to believe and understand much of the rejection that each of us will face in life has nothing to do with us. There's no reason that it should be about anything except that another person made a different decision than we were hoping. Maybe they really dislike guys who wear skinny jeans or green shirts or maybe they aren't interested in your gender or maybe there is no reason at all.
When we don't respect the decisions of others what does that say about us? If we whine to our friends that she's a little tease or whisper that she must be a lesbian that diminishes us. When we diminish ourselves we make our next bad decision into a habit. All of these things are incredibly disrespectful of women, but also of ourselves. If we can't respect all women why should any of them want us? 20 years ago this was a completely unthinkable chain of logic, women should be glad we gave them any attention at all, or so we thought. 35 years ago when I graduated from high school nobody thought this way. That's why I have a lot of problems with this stuff and I do carry a lot of cultural baggage with me.
It can be difficult for older people to wrap their heads around these ideas because they're so alien to the way that we were raised. I was taught many antiquated views about women and about holding doors and protecting them. Even when I was in treatment 6 months ago a counselor said that women's addictions were more difficult because they were prostituting themselves to get high. One of my male friends stood up and said “women aren't the only ones who prostitute themselves”. This is true, lots of men do as well, but the commonality and the experience isn't analogous with men. So just as it's wrong to think that only women can prostitute themselves, it's also wrong to assume that everyone does and this can be a double blind.
I think this cultural baggage is permeated through our society. Well maybe not as much in the Northwest but especially here in the south. People over 40 think differently. We are in many ways, culturally disconnected from the more modern world. Many of us who are middle-aged realize that we are disconnected or are becoming disconnected and take steps to remain culturally fluent in the mores of the time. However we struggle because the things that we learned as children are difficult to overcome because those patterns are deep and worn.
However those of us who are more mature also have an advantage. We have seen 40, 50, or more years of change in America and many of our attitudes have changed over time as well. So while it may be difficult to change we know that it can be done it just takes more time, awareness, and effort now that we're older. At least it does in my life, in my recovery, and in my morality. Maybe some of you will even make this a part of your own journey too. Please share in the comments if you have used these ideas to make positive change.
09 September 2018
Treat Her Like A Lesbian
I'm really not sure about anything anymore. One of the most confusing things in the world is dating. Frankly, it seems like as men and women we just can't do anything right. I hear women complain all the time that some man isn't decisive enough and the next day I read about some other man being accused of sexual misconduct. Men don't know what they want, and neither do women. It seems like we have reached an impasse as men but I think I have a solution. Well okay, I have a solution that works for me and you can decide if it works for you too.
Sometimes the strangest thing in your past come back to be useful. There was a time after my second divorce that I was single and trying to date. Truthfully, I was horrible at it. I've always mingled with lots of non-traditional people. Goths, gays, nerds, and intellectuals were just some of the flavors that were regularly in my retinue. They were far from the only kinds of people but I think this may have made me aware of the challenges men now face early.
My daughter noticed this almost immediately, even before I did, and made fun of me all the time. You see I was misreading so many signals, and it turned out that every woman I made a pass at, for nearly six months, was a lesbian. There was a lot of laughter and much learned understanding when I realized what was going on. I met some fantastic women and some remained friends for a long time, and I learned, the hard way, not to assume. Maybe even more importantly I learned not to take the answers I received personally. Maybe it was easy for me because I've never been everyone's cup of tea. It's an important point that we'll come back to later.
As the LGBT community became more mainstream there is even more chance that all of us, men and women, will encounter people whose sexual and gender identity isn't compatible with our desires and we need to have respect for that and them.
Lately I go to NA meetings on a regular basis and I've found that their insistence on hugging everyone really sets my teeth on edge. I don't mind hugging people I know and I have friendships with lots of people, no matter their orientation. However, the immediate insistence that we hug total strangers, who don't even know my name, is off putting in the extreme. I think it is especially disturbing when it is men and women. Really, who are they to insist that I hug them when they don't know me? And how presumptuous is it of me, or any man, to try and hug a woman I don't know, regardless of her orientation or identity?
What I guess I'm trying to say is that in 2018, I need to see some pretty clear body language, and preferably some actual spoken language before I initiate any physical intimacy with anyone I've recently met. No, it isn't always necessary they say “please kiss me” but in this day and age, it certainly helps. I know it isn't what we're taught to expect in the movies. As a result, all of the expectations set by the media are horribly and completely inappropriate. This means that women need to be aware of this too. I've heard many women frustrated because there's no magic and no romance. I think that what many are looking for is a psychic connection that they see in the movies and television, and is a complete fiction. As men in this post-#metoo society are painfully aware the line is very easy to cross. What was considered by many to be acceptable twenty years ago isn't okay today.
As men, I think we need to be aware of some important ideas. Nobody owes us thanks for our sexual attraction. As a matter of fact, the very idea that a woman should be flattered that we notice them is ugly and misogynistic. I'm reminded of an old picture on the web of a woman walking in the street and scrawled across her midriff is the statement “still not asking for it”. The fact that we find a woman attractive, whether she's in a housedress or a bandeau really has nothing to do with her and everything to do with us. We need to find ways to meaningfully communicate our attraction and accept polite rejection.
This is the hardest thing in my opinion for many men to process, especially men who are self-involved like me. We have a tendency to assume that all women we see are available, uncoupled, interested, and aware. Not only is this not the case, it is exactly these things that make women feel so threatened and uncomfortable. Instead, I had believed that it is best to assume that any woman who I meet isn't just not interested in me, but not interested in men at all. Approaching women as simply people seems to go a long way towards making them feel positive, unthreatened, and paradoxically more open to social contact. Not that I'm suggesting that you do this in some insane quid pro quo. On the contrary, what I'm saying is that as the current generation of young women mature using previous paradigms of communication will result in less and less success. This, in turn, will breed more contempt and less success thus creating a vicious cycle. This is in direct opposition to our need to be seen as attractive and desirable to others, be they male, female, other, straight, gay, whatever.
So, my suggestion is to treat each woman who you meet as a person. Assume she's a lesbian and that she doesn't like you. Speak to them as an equal and a person. Don't assume that their gender defines them or their desires. Ask them if they might want to be pursued, and if they say no don't ever insult them for being of a different opinion. Just thank them for their honesty and walk away.