Triggered

I’ve written pretty honestly about my addiction and my issues so far, and I’m going to try to write some more about that now. I went on a double date with two ex-girlfriends. One I dated twenty-five years ago, and is now married with grown children. The other ex-girlfriend is the woman I lost when my addiction took over my life.  I’ve re-connected with both women and have developed very strong relationships with them.  So, thankfully I was very much among friends tonight when we decided to see A Star Is Born. In case you don’t know this is the fourth iteration of that story starring Bradley Cooper and the incomparable Lady Gaga as the titular star.
Much has been written about just how good this movie is and I have to agree. There are few films I’ve ever seen in my life that are as complete as this movie is. I can say that now, after spending the night emotionally unpacking this last night and then finally getting some sleep. This film is brilliant, but I probably shouldn’t have seen it. I’ll explain why here.
Lady Gaga is a wonderful and versatile singer and it shows well throughout the film. This would be a massive failure with the wrong actress, and was a success because of her honesty, her vulnerability, and her incredible range.  It could be said that she’s just playing to type, but there’s a lot more there than just a singer playing a singer. She’s representing some of the struggles in her own life, and all that she’s embracing really pays off. Both herself and the parts that are not her and she’s fearless when she does it.
Bradley Cooper was shocking as Jackson Main. The way he spoke, walked, sang, and talked just smelled like suicidal addiction and self destruction. Bradley Cooper was why I shouldn’t have seen A Star Is Born. I know what self-loathing and self-destruction look like because I did it for 5 years and this is an absolutely ugly terrifyingly honest representation. Lying, lashing out at the people you love, self harm, all of it. If I hadn’t been with two of the women I trust and care for, I know that I would have walked directly into a bar, ordered whiskey, bought a pack of cigarettes, and bought a bag.
The portrayal of all of these things were so honest in the film. This made it hard for me not to be there in my own head. Well, to be honest, I was there in my own head and thankfully I was not by myself. If I were giving them away today Bradley Cooper would have an Oscar for best actor, and probably best director too. That this film is his debut behind the camera was maybe even more surprising than his performance. One can only hope that his sophomore effort is as good.
Such a real picture of addiction is a difficult thing to pull off. You can’t romanticize the drug use. You can’t make it pretty or appealing. If you’re able to make it just a little ugly and hide it from the audience that’s even better. The film does that in little tiny ways that might not be obvious to you if you’ve never had a problem. It was like snorting pain for me and I had to hate the performance for what it did to me, but I love it for the brutal honesty it brings. It upset Kelly because “you don’t get to leave”. I understand that now, but man it was super hard to watch.
The supporting cast has to be mentioned, because this is kind of a film review. Andrew Dice Clay is wonderful as the dad. Dave Chappell shows up at the prefect time. Anthony Ramos is a great best friend. Rafi Gavron is a great foil, and Sam Elliott hits one out of the park as Jack’s older brother and father figure. The film really feels like an ensemble piece because the actors are so good, even if they only have a few lines or scenes. Still, we go back to the lead performances, and it’s all but impossible for me to say that one is better than the other. I was a fan of Bradley Cooper despite his amazing talent. After all, you have to hate someone who is that smart, that talented, and that good looking. I thought that after the Hangover he was just going to be one of those unlikeable bro actors. Then I saw Limitless and he sort of threw me for a loop. Once I saw Silver Linings Playbook, I was floored. I mean the guy stood toe-to-toe with Robert De Niro for an entire movie and didn’t die. So, after that and his other films since I’ve become a fan.
Stefani Germanotta gave a fearless and riveting performance as Ally. I say that because it wasn’t Lady Gaga on screen. This was a girl from around the way, that I felt like I knew. She was pretty, but not classically beautiful. She wasn’t terribly put together. She just appeared raw and honest. If that was just a part of her performance, I have more respect and not less, because that kind of authenticity is hard to portray. Thousands of words have been written about her, so I’ll just say this: If you don’t like Lady Gaga then you owe it to yourself to see this movie. I think you’re going to understand her talent, even if you don’t like it.
If you’re a drunk, bipolar, and have a drug problem like I do this movie is going to be very hard to watch. I actually had to look away from the screen several times. I sat at the end of the film and really couldn’t find any words to express my thoughts and feelings about the movie. I want to thank Andrew, Kyra, and Kelly for being a great support team for me. Recovery is a process and not an event. The funniest things can set you back and trigger you. I’ve had a love affair with film for most of my adult life, so I went without even thinking about it, but there it is.
Go see A Star is Born, but just don’t go see it alone.

Understanding

One of the things that being in recovery has taught me is that if I can't see the other person's point I'm not really paying attention. In my practice I've studied and I have found this advice in many places, you must believe the opposite of what you know is also true. This is not the opposite of what you believe or what you might think, this is the opposite of what you know to be true. Right now the whole internet is jumping up and down crying because Kavanagh is going to be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice. I don't think this is a surprise and I don't think anybody with half a brain shouldn't have realized this weeks ago. Unless we had a Smoking Gun and a lot of corroboration I don't think there was ever a chance of derailing his nomination or his eventual confirmation. Maybe it would be a different conversation after the midterms, but I doubt it. Rarely do people show up for midterm elections, but they love to talk about it.

Now I think Kavanaugh is an absolutely horrible choice for Supreme Court Justice. I don't think he has the experience, I don't think he has the smarts, and I don't think he has the legal acumen necessary for the job. It is pretty clear he's been a political appointee and hatchet man since his college days. I think he's probably done sexually inappropriate things in college and probably after college, but unfortunately most of that is not a crime in America. I think it's really stupid that it's not a crime but them's the breaks.

Molly Ringwald wrote a really interesting article about the less than subtle sexual violence and rape reinforcement in the John Hughes movies, like 16 Candles. While I think she stopped short of excusing his assertions I do think she does put it in the proper historical context. I think that is something missing from the current debate. Yes I absolutely think that this kind of behavior is wrong, but it wasn't always considered wrong. We need to be aware and cogent of the facts as well as the historical context in which they took place in order to have a reasonable and meaningful discussion. As an example of this kind of thought, there was a lot of racism among the founding fathers. With few exceptions they didn't see most brown people as humans much less equals. Still they were the founders of our nation and great men in their historical context.

Now if we just take the criminal persecution of Kavanaugh by itself for a second. Let's all admit that the justice system was designed on purpose so that 9 guilty men go free rather than one innocent man is convicted. You know, but those incredibly racist founders. Yes it's super crappy for those people who get the short end of the stick, but that doesn't make it wrong. As many other attorneys I know have said most of this testimony doesn't even hold up to civil procedure “preponderance of evidence” standards. If she wants to file a lawsuit against him for damages from inappropriate sexual behavior she is more than welcome to do so but unless there is some significantly better corroboration I think it will be for nothing. Yes all of this sucks for all the accusers. None of them are going to get Justice and that's bad. At this point in the process it doesn't matter whether or not we think he's guilty, the reality of the situation is what can be proven.  

The other realities of the situation no matter what each of us personally feels is that unemployment is at record lows. If the stock market is an indicator of overall economic growth, and that's debatable as well but if it is, well then our economy is incredibly healthy. Personally I think that has fuck all to do with the President. We're probably keeping the Republican majority and if things keep going this way it is likely that Trump will be re-elected in 2020. so if you were looking for a Judicial solution to our problems I have some bad news for you.

We elect Congress to make and pass laws, and if Congress was doing their job who was nominated to the Supreme Court wouldn't be nearly as important. However the reality of that situation is that Congress has abandoned their responsibilities and is allowing the Judiciary to make laws. If anyone in Congress had any balls in the last 50 years abortion would be legal in all 50 states because it would be a federal law. We wouldn't still be having this argument because Congress would have solved the problem, and not left it to the Supreme Court.

The other things I think we need to do is stop insulting everyone else whenever we have a difference of opinion. if we want to be respected we need to be able to have reasonable discussion even when the emotional nature of the subject can readily lend itself otherwise. We need to realize that many things are truly horrible, and a lot of this is a bunch of rich white people telling each other how full of shit they are. I have a really good friend and a lot of you would probably consider him a terrible person. He's very sexist and he's very racist however considering where he came from and how old he is those are not inexplicable things. His sexism and his racism are very subtle when he can recognize them, and he has children that he's raised to be good people. He's even a really good grandfather, but he doesn't believe any of the allegations brought about against the current nominee. the question I had for him was what if these things that happened to his daughter and he said “they wouldn't because my daughter wouldn't allow it”. He might be right. You see those things that happened 40 years ago, they couldn't happen now because also in the historical context women didn't say anything back then. So yeah Kavanaugh is complete shit, and society conspired against this woman as well. Now those things are different. Many more women come forward and are believed. Yes it's still true that too many do not, but progress had been made.

I know many more conservative women than men. As has been said before the problem with liberals is that they lose all the time. Assuming that your argument is the most logical is always a loser. You have to assume that your opposition is just as smart as you are but believes differently. All of the liberal beliefs about the last election were wrong. Nobody is paying attention.

All of those things being said, if you think the people that are supporting him and his nomination just don't care you're missing the point. If you think that those people are evil because they don't agree with you, you are missing the point. The point is that all of us have to realize that the other side isn't stupid, and that other people have valid opinions as well they're just different than the ones we might have. Interesting to note the coastal liberal rage against Manchin. Yeah he's not popular and it's not pretty but the guy is going to vote for Kavanaugh because that is what the vast majority of his constituents, to whom he is accountable, want. Isn't that the whole point of our democracy is that we elect people who will vote our way.

If all of that is true I've got some more ideas that might be completely and totally backwards. What if Kavanaugh is a really nice guy? What if he's a cool guy to hang out with? What if he's a good brother or a good husband or even a good father? What if everything you know about this guy has been manipulated by somebody else to make him look bad? Who knows he could even become a really good Justice. It wouldn't be the first time someone had changed the way they thought based on new evidence, now would it? Well we're all going to see because as I predicted when I began writing this, he was just confirmed.