Triggered

I’ve written pretty honestly about my addiction and my issues so far, and I’m going to try to write some more about that now. I went on a double date with two ex-girlfriends. One I dated twenty-five years ago, and is now married with grown children. The other ex-girlfriend is the woman I lost when my addiction took over my life.  I’ve re-connected with both women and have developed very strong relationships with them.  So, thankfully I was very much among friends tonight when we decided to see A Star Is Born. In case you don’t know this is the fourth iteration of that story starring Bradley Cooper and the incomparable Lady Gaga as the titular star.
Much has been written about just how good this movie is and I have to agree. There are few films I’ve ever seen in my life that are as complete as this movie is. I can say that now, after spending the night emotionally unpacking this last night and then finally getting some sleep. This film is brilliant, but I probably shouldn’t have seen it. I’ll explain why here.
Lady Gaga is a wonderful and versatile singer and it shows well throughout the film. This would be a massive failure with the wrong actress, and was a success because of her honesty, her vulnerability, and her incredible range.  It could be said that she’s just playing to type, but there’s a lot more there than just a singer playing a singer. She’s representing some of the struggles in her own life, and all that she’s embracing really pays off. Both herself and the parts that are not her and she’s fearless when she does it.
Bradley Cooper was shocking as Jackson Main. The way he spoke, walked, sang, and talked just smelled like suicidal addiction and self destruction. Bradley Cooper was why I shouldn’t have seen A Star Is Born. I know what self-loathing and self-destruction look like because I did it for 5 years and this is an absolutely ugly terrifyingly honest representation. Lying, lashing out at the people you love, self harm, all of it. If I hadn’t been with two of the women I trust and care for, I know that I would have walked directly into a bar, ordered whiskey, bought a pack of cigarettes, and bought a bag.
The portrayal of all of these things were so honest in the film. This made it hard for me not to be there in my own head. Well, to be honest, I was there in my own head and thankfully I was not by myself. If I were giving them away today Bradley Cooper would have an Oscar for best actor, and probably best director too. That this film is his debut behind the camera was maybe even more surprising than his performance. One can only hope that his sophomore effort is as good.
Such a real picture of addiction is a difficult thing to pull off. You can’t romanticize the drug use. You can’t make it pretty or appealing. If you’re able to make it just a little ugly and hide it from the audience that’s even better. The film does that in little tiny ways that might not be obvious to you if you’ve never had a problem. It was like snorting pain for me and I had to hate the performance for what it did to me, but I love it for the brutal honesty it brings. It upset Kelly because “you don’t get to leave”. I understand that now, but man it was super hard to watch.
The supporting cast has to be mentioned, because this is kind of a film review. Andrew Dice Clay is wonderful as the dad. Dave Chappell shows up at the prefect time. Anthony Ramos is a great best friend. Rafi Gavron is a great foil, and Sam Elliott hits one out of the park as Jack’s older brother and father figure. The film really feels like an ensemble piece because the actors are so good, even if they only have a few lines or scenes. Still, we go back to the lead performances, and it’s all but impossible for me to say that one is better than the other. I was a fan of Bradley Cooper despite his amazing talent. After all, you have to hate someone who is that smart, that talented, and that good looking. I thought that after the Hangover he was just going to be one of those unlikeable bro actors. Then I saw Limitless and he sort of threw me for a loop. Once I saw Silver Linings Playbook, I was floored. I mean the guy stood toe-to-toe with Robert De Niro for an entire movie and didn’t die. So, after that and his other films since I’ve become a fan.
Stefani Germanotta gave a fearless and riveting performance as Ally. I say that because it wasn’t Lady Gaga on screen. This was a girl from around the way, that I felt like I knew. She was pretty, but not classically beautiful. She wasn’t terribly put together. She just appeared raw and honest. If that was just a part of her performance, I have more respect and not less, because that kind of authenticity is hard to portray. Thousands of words have been written about her, so I’ll just say this: If you don’t like Lady Gaga then you owe it to yourself to see this movie. I think you’re going to understand her talent, even if you don’t like it.
If you’re a drunk, bipolar, and have a drug problem like I do this movie is going to be very hard to watch. I actually had to look away from the screen several times. I sat at the end of the film and really couldn’t find any words to express my thoughts and feelings about the movie. I want to thank Andrew, Kyra, and Kelly for being a great support team for me. Recovery is a process and not an event. The funniest things can set you back and trigger you. I’ve had a love affair with film for most of my adult life, so I went without even thinking about it, but there it is.
Go see A Star is Born, but just don’t go see it alone.