The Bachelor Party

I’ve been driving a limousine as a part time job, a full time job, and a hobby for almost fifteen years. I’ve driven rock stars, actors, athletes, and billionaires. The sexiest person I’ve ever driven was probably Kelly Preston, the most fun was definitely Dmitri Young. I’ve driven hundreds of people, and in my entire experience only about a dozen people have ever gotten the bachelor party correct.

Bachelor parties are one of the more archaic rituals in the American lexicon. In other countries they are called Stag parties, Buck parties, or some other testosterone fueled celebration of a man’s “last night of freedom” before entering into marriage. This event is usually planned by the best man, though if he lives in a remote location he might cede this right to another of the groom’s friends. Being local is important, but not essential.

As a point of explanation, let me tell you about how a bachelor party can go wrong. One of the bachelor’s friends rents a van and everyone drives to a bar. Three people show up already drunk and insist on driving themselves. Two of the guys have $40. The party leaves the first bar after someone asks the bartender to take her top off and gets thrown out. Everyone drives to the strip club. The two broke guys can’t get in. Someone has to pay for them or they wait in the car. One of the drunk guys throws up in the parking lot before they even get inside. Someone starts a fight. Leaving the club the van gets pulled over and the Police take the driver to jail, one of the drunk drivers gets in an accident, and somebody throws up on the groom. The groom is walking home when he gets hit by a car and the hooker gives someone an STD.

Of course you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. I’ve seen every one of these things happen personally, and some of them several times. I’ve personally bailed some of these idiots out of jail, picked them up at the Emergency Room, and I’ve read about worse. The former Marine who died after falling in the river because his friends thought it would be hilarious if they chained a bowling ball to his drunk ass and made him carry it from bar to bar. He stopped on a footbridge to piss, fell in the water and drowned. I’m not saying that you can’t have a good time though. It’s just that nobody needs to go to jail and nobody needs to die.

I’m going to talk about local bachelor parties. If you are flying to Vegas or Atlantic City that kind of party is different, It’s probably outside the scope of this article but the rules apply.

So these are Ross’ rules and an example of the best Bachelor party I was ever a part of.

Nobody drives:

The biggest buzzkill in the world is a DUI. By some measures almost two thousand people a day are harmed in alcohol-related accidents just in the USA. Don’t be a statistic, and if you want to bar-hop hire a limousine or a bus.

Now many people say that this is just a personal preference because I am a chauffeur and that’s how I make money. I say bullshit, and here is why. There are hundreds of ways to throw a bachelor party without a limousine, all you have to do is carefully choose the location. You ideally want somewhere within walking distance of a restaurant, a nightclub, a strip club, a casino, and a hotel. Vegas and Atlantic City work best for these, but there are probably some places near you too. Do a little legwork.

The host stays sober:

As much as it seems from popular lore that everyone just gets trashed someone has to be responsible. It’s not going to be the groom, and it’s not going to be the chauffeur. At least it shouldn’t be the chauffeur unless you pay him to also be the host. That means at least a hundred dollars over the standard tip. Now this doesn’t mean that the host can’t have a few drinks, unless he’s the chauffeur, but he can’t be significantly impaired.

Involve your girlfriend:

If you have a girlfriend, wife, or significant other it is important to involve them in this process. They need to know what you are doing and when you are coming home. They need to be assured that you are safe and sound. This doesn’t mean you cannot have a good time, but it you are going to break up with someone over a bachelor party then you probably have more issues than this article can address.

The point of a bachelor party is to send your buddy off in style and among friends. The bachelor party is usually an all-male affair but not always. Most of us have female friends who are both straight and gay, we also have male friends of both stripes as well. This article assumes that the groom is male and the bride is female, but it isn’t a condition. Bachelor parties are usually all-male. There are those with the occasional woman, but it is important that she not be intimately involved with anyone else in the party. Not because it makes her or her lover uncomfortable, but because it may make other of the guests uncomfortable.

If you are broke stay home:

Bachelor parties are expensive. If you don’t have the money don’t be the idiot who just tags along, makes a friend buy you dinner, sits in the car, and doesn’t buy any drinks. Realistically if you don’t have $200 to spend its probably not a good idea. If you are hosting the party make sure that everyone is paid up as much as possible before you leave.

The party schedule:

This is an eight hour party schedule. I have seen parties that lasted as much as three days however that’s probably a little excessive. This is what I consider a happy medium.

Meeting up and dinner:

About 4pm the guys all meet up at a local restaurant. Intelligent people will get dropped off by their significant others, girlfriends, or wives. Nobody has car keys or house keys, and nobody will be tempted to drive drunk later. More deluxe versions of the bachelor party will meet up at a hotel restaurant after checking in. This is also true of out of town guests. It’s important that everyone eats and that everyone has a safe exit strategy.

If you are unlucky enough to be working the next morning make sure you have cab fare or your rides number with you. When you have to leave do so quickly and quietly, remember that the party isn’t about you.

Gambling

One of the cardinal directions of the Bachelor party is gambling. If you have a casino around, be it a Native casino or Harrah’s, make sure you play a few hands. Two or three hours is usually sufficient. Casino bars are also great because they are usually pretty cheap and there are lots of people around. Many friends might not be able to make the whole event because of work or school related stuff. Still they can come by the restaurant or the casino and buy the groom a drink and say hello. Just remember that the no drunk driving rule still applies.

Strippers

Strippers and strip clubs are another of the cardinal points of the bachelor party. Like anything else there are just a few rules to follow. The host needs to find the right strip club and this requires a little research as well. Call or visit a time or two. Ask for the manager, explain that you are hosting a bachelor party. Find out what they charge for drinks, dances, and cover. If you have a chauffeur ask them too.

I always have one or two strip clubs that offer free cover for the entire party or a free round of drinks to the entire party of they charge cover. Many clubs will pay your chauffeur to bring the party to the bar. It’s not usually a huge amount, probably $5 per person if they pay cover. As a chauffeur I’d rather that the club give the bachelor party something free. My tips are usually better that way.

Everyone should enjoy themselves, tip the dancers, and have a great time. They all just need to realize that strippers aren’t hookers, they aren’t animals, and they need to be treated with some level of respect. You wouldn’t walk into a Denny’s, grab the hostess’ tits, and loudly ask how much for a blowjob. Strip clubs are mostly about fantasy, and if you want a hooker the least you can do is be discrete and ask politely. I am sure I’ll write about strip club etiquette at some point in the future.

Winding up and winding down:

After the debauchery has finished up and it is very much not closing time you have some options, these are the ones that I think work the best. The last stop of the evening should always be a regular bar. Whether it is the hotel bar or the local Dew Drop Inn that is where everyone parts ways. The girlfriends should show up and drive everyone home safely. Of course this means that after the bachelorette party that the guys get to stay sober for the girls too.

Tips for the successful reveler:

Avoid shots. Whether you drink wine, beer, or hard liquor shots are usually the sign of an amateur and a horrible idea. Mixing shots is a freshman mistake. A bachelor party is about friends and the groom, not alcohol poisoning and vomit. This is why hydration is also important. If you are starting to get stupid remember to drink water and don’t mix. Switching between fermented and distilled spirits is usually a recipe for disaster but your mileage may vary. Yes I know lots of people that can drink like vikings, however almost everyone vastly overestimates their alcohol tolerance.

The best bachelor party ever

The absolute best bachelor party ever was thrown about 2002 here in Florida. This is a completely subjective ruling, and the names have been changed while my attorney advises me on the statute of limitations, or not.

The party started on Thursday. Between 3pm and 8pm each of the guests arrived. Some were local, some traveled by car and plane. They all stayed in the same hotel. This was a full service hotel with a restaurant and bar, and the best man even negotiated a special rate. Thursday night at 9pm the party met for drinks and dinner. Friday morning a limousine picked up the eight of them for an 11am tee time at a private course in Tampa. Everyone returned about 5pm and enjoyed a nap and went to dinner together at 8pm. After dinner about 11pm they enjoyed a few hours each at Thee DollHouse and Mons Venus then back to the hotel. Sunday morning they all enjoyed brunch together and departed their separate ways in the afternoon. It was expensive, and honestly I think that the guys just went to the strip clubs because they felt it was de rigueur. These eight guys who had known each other for most of their lives had the best time I’ve ever seen. Sure it probably cost them about $1500 each for the weekend, but it was awesome.

Conclusion:

Bachelor parties are great. Friends, food, drinks, and dancers are all great ways to have a great time. You don’t need hookers, explosives, and fire trucks just to have a party.

About the Author:

Ross Winn is a freelance writer, chauffeur, personal assistant, and Dad. His first novel, Never One to Quit: A Novel About Women is available on Kindle, Nook, iBooks, and Amazon.